I have decided to write again in fears that my turmoil life has finally found the bottom the next step is hell and lets all admit I bought my one way ticket there long ago, I have cheated, lied, stole, beaten, abused and plainly mutated and deformed my right as a human being. 
At the moment the demons are closing in and with every set of the sun new fears set in with the promise of the next rise,
“ oh please someone shoot the sun, set is to never raise again”,
With every one of my pathetic pleas my fears grow and grow, 
I know that at the moment I am blissfully unaware of the exact distance between this danger and myself.
“ do I count myself lucky?”
 no! I don’t! it’s like standing on the firing squad not knowing the exact point in time that the gun is going to shoot but knowing it is and soon , so I stand here in a fearful haze waiting for the bullet I know I have earned. If I were to sum up my life I in one word I don’t think I could, let me think………… fooled, 
I played my life as the fool I was fooled into blindly following those that held the fire pokers and cattle prods, I was trained to be a soldier  for an army that blindly swung at everything leaving nothing but destruction in its path but still I followed, so many in my path offered me ways out but I couldn’t hear them my commander convinced me she was my salvation that she was the only one that knew me, heard me, saw me, that the world was only out the destroy her and faithfully I fought the world for her while she danced in my protection leaving me exposed to all enemy attacks, year after year I fought so loyally as my commander commanded, now that I am facing a unbeatable storm I realized my commander wasn’t a commander but a charlatan, preaching, trust loyalty and love and she couldn’t find such qualities in herself towards me, now that I look at it my commander wasn’t a commander she too was a scared little girl that never grew up and all I did was preserved her in this state I was so blind and now my eyes are opening for the first time like a new born I find I have been robbed raped and discarded…..
“urg how did this happen”,
I knew it was happening when it was happening but I couldn’t stop it I couldn’t talk I couldn’t tell them I was still alive, I looked in their eyes as they took and took striking at my flesh like I was some wild animal that had tore a village apart,
“am I that wild”, “what do they see when they look at me?”
I don’t know every time I try to find my reflection I find a stranger staring at me,

“who is that person?, surely I couldn’t have changed that much that I cant even recognize myself?,

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

dessperation

I’m so lonely and lost I always have been, and I'm tierd im tired of being me I’m never going to get anywhere and yes I know its cause of me and my on lack of desire but I don’t want to do this anymore I’m in too much pain for too long and being the person I am I know I'm just going to throw myself into more and more heartache, but I can’t help it every time someone offers me an out of this dismal pathetic life of destitute I run into their arms even though I see their  cheshire cat smiles and hear their sneers behind their perfect rows of teeth and each time they leave me winded and more broken and twisted than before but no one wants to hear it no one wants to see me cry “its pathetic” 
Read more
she stood at the edge of the world eyes wide open. Demon clasping one hand human clasping the other. The tormented screams of the human race ebbing into the whispers of time, and as for time itself he retreats his perverted hand away from her throat and recedes into the dark still twisting his demented grin reminding her this blissful peace is a temporary reward for her suffering. All three entities close their red stained eyes soaking in the peaceful serenity, remembering the time when child still reigned gleefully and showered their existence with innocence and an naive optimism before she too slipped into the darkness never to return. slowly demon opened her eyes, smiles and re-emerged into her letting her absorb her holey until once again they are one "sleep dark one hang up your armor, lay away your wrath rest your weary wings, you have fought well", Human opens her eyes and sees the world needing her "someone has found us" she says "someone hears us"...
Read more

moment in warm clarity

I sit on the edge of the world listening to the melody of the world, all different genres mixing together in harmony, where there is death there is life, laughter is tears, where the sun first raises is the first to feel the coldness of it abandonment only to feel its touch again the next day without fail, is this life that with each tear and heartache there is a smile and happiness
Read more