a stranger as me

WAS I NOTHING TO YOU? did i mean nothing? can you not find that place in which i used to inhibit, did i not own a place in your heart? why do you throw me away? discard me like soiled toilet tissue? you discard our love like it never happened. To me it was real i knew our love existed i can feel it and you have a castle in my heart filled with lace and giant glass windows stained with pictures of you and i over looking great oaks, im trying to keep it tidy for you i told her you would be back, i told her you were on holiday, just keep it clean but the oaks are changing into weeping willows the skies are darkening and which once a pristine lake now a swamp where only monsters live there, shes getting scared though the castle still stand as i did when you l lived there but shes scared you won come back and the darkness will consume the castle she cant leave for she was made for you she only exists for you and the only world she knows is within the lace and t...

I am falling into a deep darkness i know I've been here before but it feels like its getting worse and worse it started a few months ago with a growing feeling of loss and confusion than a what i thought was at that height i had a moment of clarity where all my fears were put to rest so i thought i was OK but now I've fallen back under and i know this time i wont be pulled back out of this horrid storm its like I'm climbing to wreckage in the middle of the ocean and its a hurricane and I'm slipping under, the sky is swirling greys and blacks and the roaring of the ocean is deafening. Everyday I'm looking at the ones that once offered me hope and comfort and they all look like monsters all contorted and twisted. I feel lost and alone , sad and fear full.I look in the mirror and see more of the stranger

she stood at the edge of the world eyes wide open. Demon clasping one hand human clasping the other. The tormented screams of the human race ebbing into the whispers of time, and as for time itself he retreats his perverted hand away from her throat and recedes into the dark still twisting his demented grin reminding her this blissful peace is a temporary reward for her suffering. All three entities close their red stained eyes soaking in the peaceful serenity, remembering the time when child still reigned gleefully and showered their existence with innocence and an naive optimism before she too slipped into the darkness never to return. slowly demon opened her eyes, smiles and re-emerged into her letting her absorb her holey until once again they are one "sleep dark one hang up your armor, lay away your wrath rest your weary wings, you have fought well", Human opens her eyes and sees the world needing her "someone has found us" she says "someone hears us"...

I have decided to write again in fears that my turmoil life has finally found the bottom the next step is hell and lets all admit I bought my one way ticket there long ago, I have cheated, lied, stole, beaten, abused and plainly mutated and deformed my right as a human being.  At the moment the demons are closing in and with every set of the sun new fears set in with the promise of the next rise, “ oh please someone shoot the sun, set is to never raise again”, With every one of my pathetic pleas my fears grow and grow,  I know that at the moment I am blissfully unaware of the exact distance between this danger and myself. “ do I count myself lucky?”  no! I don’t! it’s like standing on the firing squad not knowing the exact point in time that the gun is going to shoot but knowing it is and soon , so I stand here in a fearful haze waiting for the bullet I know I have earned. If I were to sum up my life I in one word I don’t think I could, let me think………… foole...

I sit on the edge of the world listening to the melody of the world, all different genres mixing together in harmony, where there is death there is life, laughter is tears, where the sun first raises is the first to feel the coldness of it abandonment only to feel its touch again the next day without fail, is this life that with each tear and heartache there is a smile and happiness

I’m so lonely and lost I always have been, and I'm tierd im tired of being me I’m never going to get anywhere and yes I know its cause of me and my on lack of desire but I don’t want to do this anymore I’m in too much pain for too long and being the person I am I know I'm just going to throw myself into more and more heartache, but I can’t help it every time someone offers me an out of this dismal pathetic life of destitute I run into their arms even though I see their  cheshire cat smiles and hear their sneers behind their perfect rows of teeth and each time they leave me winded and more broken and twisted than before but no one wants to hear it no one wants to see me cry “its pathetic” 

How much can a cheating heart break ?  what rights do I have to shed grieving tears for a situation that I asked for?   How angry can I be at a world that I took for granted?  I asked for ecstasy without looking at the price!….  Is this what I am? a band-aid for the lost and wounded.  I know I am a wounded dog people see in the pound and take home cause at first they don’t see the scars but then after the initial new smell has worn off they realize all I am is a husk of what they wanted, a burden, I am a cheap imitation of what they really wanted, the rain cloud on their picnic day and once they realize the dog is too far broken to keep that the scars run too deep for them to handle they take me for that drive to the Forrest….. That is what I am a dog that no-one has the heart to put down… my mother has a dog that shouldn't be alive though my retardation is not due to chronic cross breeding it too is incurable I am the fish you take home and realize...

I hope you had a nice time out of the freezer now its time to go back to the frozen darkness that your are accustomed too… why cry dear friend you had to know this was coming   your sole purpose is to heal others not be healed, dry your eyes young one your time will come when you too will lay amongst the forgotten weeds you to will   earn you peaceful slumber but till then it is your time to heal others and slumber back in the freezer…. This is how it always has been for you why is this time so different why is your pain bleeding deeper than other times why do your tears flow so aggressively?, this is was you are you are a disposable Band-Aid …….